I Lost My Heart
by AnnieCoco
Summary: "She turned around every few steps and smiled at him, the moonlight kissing the crown of her head, exposing the red strands where they faded into star filled skies and lush dark lawns." Severus and Lily.
1. First Meetings

Severus Snape was peddling fast, his thin form wobbling on the rusty metal contraption they called the "bicycle". His father had wheeled it into the room on his fifth birthday, a gift from where he worked in the junkyard. The real present didn't lie in the spindly bike, but rather in the lack of alcohol on his father's breath as he threw an awkward one-armed hug around his son and promised to teach him how to ride it. That day replayed itself many times, and the memory usually came in those restless moments before sleep. Even though he was now eleven and perfectly capable of navigating through the grimy streets himself, Severus occasionally found himself holding onto that shred of hope; that maybe someday, Tobias Snape would rise out of the couch where he wasted away, and fulfill a promise he'd probably long since forgotten.

The trees blurred past the dark-haired boy as he forced the bike faster. The houses became taller, and the front lawns grew more immaculate as he headed south. The neighborhood thrived in a way quite in contrast to its industrial surroundings, as if battling back the surrounding factories would raise their property value. Severus carefully took his right hand off the handlebar to shrug back the too-long sleeves and brush back a stray strand of hair which had blown annoyingly into his line of vision. He was going to see her again…and he allowed himself a little smile. It was surprising how the simple contraction of muscles made the sallow face come alive. How it painted Severus Snape, for a single moment, as perhaps any other child who did not have to grow up before their time.

It wasn't long, however, before Severus frowned, his thin face contorting to familiar lines. He was comparing the homes which lay beyond the white gate, fencing off the well-to-do community, to his own. He recalled the rotting wood porch no one had the energy, or finances, to fix; a broken glass window which let in cold drafts in the winter; a wobbly table too large for a family that never ate together and mismatched chairs with missing legs. This wasn't the time to feel pity, he decided, not that he complained at all anyways. It was simply something he'd learned to live with, like a constant migraine which refused to go away.

He briefly went over the scenario he constructed in his mind. It was something he thought about often, and in the perfect ending, he always achieved what he had been aiming for: the girl with the crimson hair. Her muggle sister was a pain, to be sure, an obstacle in his quest, but he waved her aside with a scowl.

His deflated tires bumped over a pothole and threw him onto the asphalt. Severus tried to dust off some of the white dust, but the thin layer smeared across his black corduroy shirt unappealingly. He grimaced and demonstrated his anger by aiming a kick at the twisted piece of metal. The bike responded by releasing one of its tires and several screws and bolts necessary to keep the structure together.

A small inconvenience, he chided. He was here at least, right beside the playground where he could already see two figures swinging themselves into the air. And it was pure bliss for him, being able to slip into the familiar darkness of the surrounding bushes and watching_ her_.

Her hair was streaking fire through the sunset backdrop, battling for dominance. The descending sun caught a ripple of her waves and caressed it, making it glimmer in a strangely entrancing way. She was laughing, her white dress fluttering away from her as the wind playfully tugged at the flimsy material. The girl on the swing adjacent to her was viewing the joyous girl with contempt. Her mousy brown hair pulled up into a tight ponytail, her expression as cross as her arms.

Severus licked his dry lips nervously. He tried to picture the much anticipated scene in his head again. Somehow, his confident self flickered and disappeared, soon replaced by the cowering young boy standing in the bushes. He tugged at the strands of his hair, brushing them back over his shoulders, and turned his attention back to the situation taking place in front of him.

The red haired girl was talking to her sister. They were both standing now; the brunette was leaning over the other girl's hands, eyes wide with both jealousy and amazement.

"How do you do it?" Came the curious voice of her sister.

And something had Severus in its hold, pushed him out from his hiding place with a loud rustle. "It's obvious isn't it?" He found himself saying. Suddenly, fear gripped his brain. His breathing sped up, along with his heart. He hadn't planned on this. He was supposed to make a casual entrance, hands in his pockets, looking nonchalant and cool. But like always, his impulses betrayed him. He cursed inwardly.

The girl cocked her head to the side, and he noted how her hair spilled over her shoulder. "What's obvious?" She demanded with an air of defiance in her voice. It provided good judgment as to her personality in how she showed no alarm at the sight of the strange boy.

He had wanted to retreat; to apologize for interrupting and run back home. But here she stood, talking to him, her voice rooting him to where he stood. And Severus saw no other option but to keep talking in order to avoid humiliation. "I know what you are."

"What do you mean?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he observed that other girl…Petunia, who was staring at him with a mixture of mockery and bemusement. He gulped nervously. Her stare reminded him of his father when he taunted his son mercilessly.

"You're a witch," he pointed out plainly. Petunia flinched and the girl took a step backwards, as if he'd just hit her.

And then they were walking away, the two girls moving away from him, as if he had some sort of contagious disease. That was his cue to leave, to perhaps replan and pretend this disaster never happened, but Severus ignored his voice of reason and trailed after them. He held up his previous argument, not even aware of what he was saying as babbling nonsense filled his brain.

"Ha! A wizard?" The frowning girl's laugh was shrill. This time, it was Severus who stepped away from the pair. "I know who you are. You're that Snape boy! They live down Spinner's End by the river." She directed this comment at her sister, rolling her eyes dramatically, turning to Severus, she continued, "Good gracious. Have you been stalking us all this time?"

Instinctively, Severus opened his mouth to defend himself. But before he could properly tell her off, Petunia was marching away, pulling the girl with her with a harsh, "C'mon, Lily. Let's go. He's such a creep."

He stood there.

He simply stood, unable to move an inch as the girls' silhouettes slowly disappeared and night enveloped him. Even then, he could not admit to himself that his plan has backfired. He was only aware of a faint ache in his chest which he could not explain and could only compare to the many times he was sick and coughed so much it had hurt to breathe.

He was going to be late tonight. Without the bike, he could only walk the many miles home. And he was sure to receive a good whooping from his father. He gave the horizon one more glance before he turned to leave.

Suddenly, a movement caught his eye. The moonlight was glinting off of some metal contraption in the distance, a figure was moving towards him. His first thought was to protect himself. As images of serial killers filled his head, he quickly prayed that his death will be quick and painless. Then he laughed to himself weakly at his melodramatics.

But as the figure neared, his heart leaped up to his throat as he recognized the familiar red hair. Lily Evans was riding towards him on a pink bicycle, her expression undetectable in the dark.

"Why are you still here?" She called as soon as she got within earshot of Severus.

He was still defensive from the earlier incident. "Why are you?"

She stopped her bike and climbed off, standing a safe ten feet from him. "I don't know." She crossed her arms, but though the careless gesture seemed confident, her emerald eyes betrayed her. For once, the girl looked uncertain.

"You thought you'd find me here, didn't you?" Severus ventured, surprising himself with the bold statement. She tilted her head to the side again, the way she always did when she found something interesting, and ignored his question. Moving closer, she tentatively stuck out a hand.

"My name's Lily," she introduced.

"I know," he said quickly, and a crimson blush spread across his cheeks. He hoped she wouldn't notice under the cover of the night. "Severus," he replied firmly in an attempt to cover up his earlier comment. He reached for her outstretched hand, shrugging his sleeves back. There was something in the simple exchange that went far beyond the comprehension of two children.

"So what you said today…about what I could do," Lily began awkwardly, after a long period of silence during which time the two had stared at each other, Severus with an odd glimmer in his eyes. "The magic and all. It's real?"

He was still reeling from the handshake, and the fact that he was standing in the park, alone, with the girl he had been aching to talk to for years. "Sure it is. I'm a wizard, I can prove it," he declared, almost proudly. He had been practicing as much as possible in his free time, preparing himself for Hogwarts. Severus looked at a nearby swing pointedly, his face screwed into a look of deep concentration. Then, with a loud creak, the swing began to move back and forth, as if someone were sitting in it.

Lily gasped and clapped enthusiastically, her eyes alight with admiration. "Can I do that too?" She asked eagerly.

Severus laughed at her enthusiasm, "Yes, of course! I could teach you some if you want," he added bravely.

"That'll be great!" Lily giggled. "You have to promise that it's all real though. It feels like a dream, it's all so amazing."

His face settled into a soft smile. "_You'll_ be amazing."

A thought came into the redhead's mind and she frowned again. "It's getting really late. And I shouldn't be here anyways. I snuck out," she admitted guiltily.

Severus looked up at the moon. He hadn't realized how dark the sky had really become. Disappointment ate at his stomach. "It's okay. I guess I'll see you at another time." Then he realized she was scowling at him again. "What?" He asked self-consciously.

"You live down at Spinner's End," she stated. He flushed tomato red again, and nodded wordlessly. "How are you getting home?"

He thought wistfully of his broken bike. "I'm walking."

"Walking?" A look of incredulity flashed across Lily's face. "But that's miles away! And it's already really dark outside."

Severus shrugged. He was used to inconvenient forms of transportation. "It's alright. I doubt my pa will miss me anyways. Maybe I'll camp out here for the night." He had done it times before. But his half lie was blatantly obvious in the way his face twitched when he mentioned his father.

Lily looked determined. "No, I will not have it. You'll freeze! I'll get my dad. Maybe he'll give you a ride; we have a car, you know."

The boy quickly cut her off, "It's fine. I don't want to cause any trouble. And besides, you'll have to answer questions." Also, Severus was certain that Lily's parents would forbid her to see him again if they found out. He knew he wasn't the sort parents liked their children to talk to, and certainly didn't look the role of someone who had been raised properly.

She was reluctant, but finally gave in. "Fine. But at least take my bike," she pushed the pink bicycle towards him, "You can return it later," she added hastily, seeing as Severus opened his mouth to argue.

"Thank you," he settled, annoyed at himself when wet tears built up behind his eyelids. He willed Lily to look away, and she did. He used the moment to wipe his eyes with his oversized sleeve.

He watched her leave.

She turned around every few steps and smiled at him, the moonlight kissing the crown of her head, exposing the red strands where they faded into star filled skies and lush dark lawns.

Her departure was so different than that from earlier. Severus was grinning now from ear to ear. Triumph beat at his head while he kicked the brake on the bike and peddled onto the main road. He biked slowly now, leisurely, his slight victory echoing through his veins.

Somehow, he did not think he'd mind if his father punched him about the head when his late entrance was noticed. But Severus still breathed a sigh of relief when he found the stubbled man, passed out on the overstuffed couch, a trickle of drool running down his chin.

Severus took care to tiptoe to his bedroom, avoiding possible creaky floorboards, and slinked into his makeshift bed without changing. He smiled as he reviewed their conversation over and over again.

He had never given the concept of love much thought, mainly attributing it to attraction and obsession with the girl's voice, laugh, hair…Not that the eleven-year old knew much about the emotion anyways. He had only heard tell of it from books (which stacked up in towers around his bed). And from the only truthful conversation he'd ever had with his mother, so he suspected.

"Why did you marry him, Ma?" He had asked. It was a cool autumn day, and in a fit of rage, Tobias Snape had thrown a cooking pot at his wife, then stormed out of the house, probably off on another drinking binge in the town bar. At eight, he couldn't comprehend why his mother had been disowned because she had chosen to marry a muggle. Or why she had chosen a life of living under the same roof as Snape.

Eileen Prince looked warily out the window and for the longest time, said nothing. Severus had wondered if she was going to answer at all when she finally replied, "Love. It was love." A small half-smile had curled her lips, and like Severus, it transformed her being like none other. In that instant, Severus saw a little of the vibrant person she could have been.

But often, as one is lying in bed on the verge of slumber, positive thoughts curve their mind in strange ways. For Severus, especially after the pleasant moments he had spent with Lily, he was rethinking this concept. He thought of the way something in his chest fluttered when she talked, when she ran her fingers through her hair, when she smiled and dimpled, and the way her almond shaped eyes flashed when she was determined.

Severus Snape decided right then and there that he was in love with Lily Evans; he will not someday become his mother because he knew that no matter what it cost him, he was going to hold onto Lily with all his life. With that knowledge, he drifted into peaceful slumber for the first time in months.


	2. Bikes and Letters

Severus was up as soon as the first dregs of sun filtered in through the tattered drapes. He squinted out the window and suppressed a smile. It was too early to get his hopes up. He, of all people, should realize that. After all, he had spent a good ten years watching promises fall through. Rarely did he receive what he had expected and even then – his expectations were low.

He stumbled around his room, elbows scraping painfully against the tight walls which would make anyone claustrophobic. Gathering up a washcloth and a bar of soap, he made his way to the lake. The dark water looked oddly inviting the way the sunlight played with the waves. Sev stripped quickly, looking about first to make sure nobody was around. He waded carefully into the freezing water, delighting in the way it formed around him protectively.

Severus stared hard into the lake; an invisible bucket of water was seemingly moving through the air, it paused over his head then poured, slicking his hair against his scalp. He dug his toes into the muddy sand mixture contentedly.

"You, boy."

Silence.

He allowed himself to turn around slowly to look at his livid father, stumbling out the back door, hand clutching a half-downed bottle of whiskey. He closed his eyes and allowed his breaths to come out in a series of short gasps. His unsteady breathing was the only thing that reflected fear. He worked on closing himself off, his eyes becoming steady and fixed, emotionless. Inwardly, he muttered nothings to himself.

But it was hard to think when you've been robbed of oxygen. He dared to open his eyes underwater this time, watching grains of dirt float past his eyes. Severus had learned to not fight the strong hand holding him there and instead, was limp under the man's grasp. Has it been a minute yet? His vision blurred.

One of these times, he was going to die. It was something he'd come to terms with a long time ago. Severus wasn't afraid of death. He had nothing to say goodbye to, nothing worth holding onto. But it was only mere survival instinct that made him struggle to stay conscious.

And then it was over. His father dragged him out of the water by the hair, looking with distaste at the choking boy. "Useless bastard," he spat and stumbled away from his son, taking another swig from the bottle.

Severus shivered in the breeze. The cold water was no longer comforting. He quickly splashed towards land but his foot slipped on a grime slicked rock, throwing him to the shallow water brutally. His thin shoulders shook as he briefly examined the new addition to his bruised body. He drew his arms around his legs and kept them there, then finally, he allowed himself to cry.

He was aware of his mother's gaze from the window but he let the salty tears fall. He didn't respond when she came out minutes later, wrapping a towel around him. Rarely did his mother ever show affection towards her son, but she was rushing him towards the house now, wiping his face with a corner of the towel.

"Sleep," he heard her whisper as she half-carried him over to his bed, tucking the covers in around him.

It must have been the middle of the afternoon when Severus finally awoke. He quickly dressed himself and wandered down to the kitchen in search of food. Contenting himself with some stale tasting bread, he then went up to his mother's room.

He simply stood in the doorway for an immeasurable time, looking at the wasted body of what had once been a proud woman.

"Thank you," he whispered quietly.

Her sunken black eyes stared back at him. They stood there, wordlessly communicating. Then Eileen coughed, breaking Severus from what he felt to be sorrow. "Pass me my medicine, won't you, Severus?" And he did so silently.

"Let me sleep now," she turned from him and hid her face in the filthy pillows and Severus knew it was his cue to leave.

The dark shadows of scrap metal and rust eaten cars shielded the shining bicycle. Its seat was not yet scorching from the sun overhead, and the ribbons hanging from the handlebars fluttered appreciatively in the breeze. Severus was hesitant as he stared at it, breathing in the burnt rubber smell of the junkyard. He was eager to see her again, and in front of him stood a completely valid reason to. And she had said he could return it later.

Without a second thought, the long-haired boy was on that bicycle and peddling perhaps twice as fast as he had the previous day. When he reached the park, he was delighted to find her lone figure swinging absent-mindedly with her sneakers dragging in the sand.

Severus saw Lily look up as he came through the bushes, then break into an uncertain smile. "Hey, you brought my bike back," she called, jumping off the swing and running towards him.

Her enthusiasm put all earlier incidents from the morning from his mind.

Lily was now examining the bicycle, as if checking for damages. Severus withdrew slightly and shrank into his usual hunch, a glitter creeping into his eyes at her serious expression while honking the horn.

"You know, Tuney said I was mad to give out my bike like this," she announced to him. "But she's wrong, you see. I told her you didn't seem half as bad."

"You told?" Severus wasn't sure how to react to her sister knowing everything about them. But he tried to hide his contempt due to the protective ring in her voice whenever Lily spoke about Petunia.

Lily was already walking away from him, back toward the swings, pushing the pink bicycle with her. "Of course. She's my best friend." Her tone seemed like she was putting an end to this conversation.

A feeling of disappointment filled Severus. He had expected them to perhaps talk more like the night before. He wrapped his arms around his midriff as he turned to leave, trying to disguise the emptiness he felt there.

"Well. Aren't you coming?"

Pure euphoria.

Lily Evans looked slightly offended by the retreating boy, her arms once again crossed as she scowled at him. "You don't expect me to play by myself, do you? Tuney said she felt sick and it's so boring here."

They spent the next hour, swinging without putting thought into it and talking; Lily mostly talked while Severus hung onto her every word with rapt attention. She had just finished a story about her fish, Jerry, who had died a few months ago when something about Severus's wide-eyed smile intrigued her.

"Most people say I talk too much and I tell boring stories," she told him.

He started at this direct comment. "I think they're wonderful." And another glow of pink crept into his cheeks.

"Why don't you tell me something about you," Lily said. It was a command coming from her mouth. "Your family?"

Severus's expression darkened. He didn't say anything for a few minutes and merely looked at his feet while he scuffed the toe of his shoe on the ground. Finally, he spoke when Lily prompted, "You do have a family, don't you?"

"I live with my mum and dad, but I don't have any siblings like you do," he shrugged as if there was nothing more to say but continued, "They fight a lot, I guess. Mum spends most of her time in bed, but she takes pretty good care of me." (Lily's eyes traveled over his old clothes) "I wish we took trips or vacations once in a while like you said but they're alright. I'm happy, I guess." He shrugged again.

Lily was silent for a while. Then she perked up again, hopping off the swing and dragging Severus off by the sleeve. "I've got a surprise for you," she smiled excitedly, leading him across the street to the light blue bungalow with the immaculate lawn. He knew who lived here, had sat in the driveway sometimes, looking at the light in the upstairs bedroom.

Lily was lifting the garage door, ducking underneath and motioning for him to do the same. "Ta-dah!" She presented some cloth covered thing to him with spectacular arm movements.

"What is it?" He asked curiously but she only smiled at him. Severus pulled off the canvas and discovered underneath a red bicycle, albeit a bit old, but in good shape. It must have been very expensive at some point. He was speechless.

The redhead appeared even more joyous than he was. "It was Tuney's old bike, but she got a new one with a basket for birthday and nobody uses it anymore. I reckon you'll need it from now on – you know, to get back and forth – so…it's yours!"

"What do you mean?" Severus asked, still not quite comprehending and thoroughly mesmerized by the silver notches of speed.

"Well, we're friends now, aren't we?" Lily stated as if it were painfully obvious to anyone. "Tuney gets a little boring sometimes, but don't tell her I said that." She looked around as if her sister might hear. "She never wants to do anything fun…she just likes listening to her records. And she's always worried we'll get into trouble. I'm not doing anything wrong by trying to have little adventures." She sniffed indignantly. "It's not very fun discovering anything by myself either. But now you're here and we can do all the things Tuney doesn't want to do! We can have lots of adventures…the adventures of Sev and Lily." She smiled brightly, her eyes burning with the idea.

Severus grinned at the nickname she had thrown out. But something about this bothered him. As Lily showed him interesting things from cardboard boxes in the garage ("We got this when we visited France last summer."), he couldn't help but note that Lily Evans liked more the idea of having a gallant friend than the actual scrawny boy in front of her. In fact, he hadn't really told her much about him at all - at first, she had acted out of sympathy and curiosity and now, her green eyes filled with the light of the prospect of having a companion in everything that she did. Severus didn't especially mind, but his heart sank when he realized that it won't be long before Lily Evans found out that Severus Snape did not, and probably could not live up to her imaginary expectations. And then he'll be tossed aside, much like what his father had done to him

Two hours had passed before a window cracked open and a female voice called Lily in for dinner. Lily was already babbling away to Severus about some plans she came up with for the next time when she just seemed to remember something. "What's your house address?" She asked, jumping to grab a pad of paper.

Severus told her haltingly, a little embarrassed although he knew Petunia had probably already told Lily all about the area. Then inquired about it curiously.

"Another surprise," she whispered and then raced up the steps to her house, turning to give him a quick wave before disappearing into the house.

"What's this, boy? A letter for you?" Tobias brandished around a blue envelope, sneering down at the silent boy. Severus glanced up at Lily's perfect cursive and pressed his lips together to fight back a smile. "Well? Who's it from?"

Severus looked out the kitchen window. "I don't know."

Still leering, the man tore apart the paper harshly and read from the enclosed card in a mockingly high voice, "Sev, surprise! I guess it must have been pretty obvious but I thought it would be fun for us to send letters, especially since I can't bear how far you have to travel to get here everyday and also because mum says I should work on my writing. My return address is on the envelope. Write back soon! Sincerely, _Lily_." He then ripped up the card, laughing mirthlessly. "Lily, is it? You bagged yourself a girl, boy?"

Severus scattered some of the ripped paper with his foot, noticing what had been a fragment of a picture which looked to have taken Lily a painstakingly long time to draw.

"You're not to leave the house this summer, you hear?" He smashed a bottle on the table to emphasize his point, a shard of glass narrowly missing Severus's cheek as it flew past him.

Severus chewed on his bottom lip while his father stormed around to the den, and the sound of the blaring TV reached his ears. He then went silently to his bedroom, though it was still bright outside, and slept.


	3. Summer Days

The following week passed with scornful silence. Wordless, Tobias had made sure to display the brightly colored envelopes in the mornings, then dispose of Lily's words unopened. Severus refused to give him the satisfaction of tears, and chose instead to glare at the dark haired man. Every resemblance they shared became a subject of hatred to the boy.

Severus sighed once more as he leaned towards the cracked mirror. His eyes, so like his father's, seemed flat and lifeless. The pupil blended into the iris almost seamlessly. His skin was pale, like his mother's, but too much so, and broken by blotches of healing bruises. He closed his eyes and leaned away from the mirror. He wondered how long it would be before Lily stopped writing him.

At least I'll see her at Hogwarts in the fall, he thought desperately, but he now doubted whether she'd be there at all. Severus knocked over a ceramic soap dish from the sink and it crashed onto the floor loudly. He heard Tobias grumble something downstairs and moments later, footsteps were crashing on the steps.

He hadn't even begun his scramble to pick up the pieces when a fist knocked him head first into the bathtub. His head thunked horribly on the edge and he gladly escaped into the dark. When he awoke with a groan, he realized he was chained to a pipe outside his house by his left arm with a heavy padlock. Severus spat on his wrist and tried to wriggle his hand from the cuff, to no avail. The clouds were clustering in what looked to be an impending storm. He shivered and tried to get under the little edge of the roof peeking from the building.

"- Tobias, that's enough. He's only ten -"

"He has to learn! Ungrateful son of a bitch. You can't even control your own son?" Came a roar and dull thuds.

Nothing more was heard except the faint whisper of someone's sobs.

Severus shut his eyes and shifted away from the window. Rain drops were falling swift and hard now, pooling in the dirt ground, spraying mud onto his already dirty clothes.

"Sev?"

He jerked awake and Lily was there, clad in a yellow raincoat, her hair spilling out around her face. She was pulling off her helmet and tentatively leaning her bike against the siding of the house. "What are you doing sitting around outside? It's raining."

Severus scrambled to sit up in a more decent position. "Why are you here, you shouldn't be here." He glanced over at the window. Tobias might have heard him. He lowered his voice. "Go home, Lily."

But she ignored him. The girl was staring at the lock with an expression of shock. "Who did this to you?" She barely whispered.

"It's just my dad, it's nothing. Happens all the time," Severus pulled his sleeve over the cuff. "But you can't be here. You'll get in trouble!"

"Happens all the time? Sev, you have to do something! Call the police!"

"No," he said firmly. "Look, don't worry about it. I'll be gone in a few months anyways. Remember what I told you about magic? There's a school…Hogwarts. It's where all magical people go to be trained when they're young. I'm going and you are too. So I'll be okay. Go home, I'll see you in September."

Lily started a little at the mention of the school, but a defiant look was working its way into her expression. "I came looking for you because you didn't answer any of my letters and I thought something might have been wrong. I was right, wasn't I?" She moved under the ledge also. Despite the raincoat, she was soaking wet. "Now let's see, how do we get you out of this?" She tried bending the cuff with her hand.

Severus heaved a sigh, resigned, and instead watched her work over his hand. "That's not going to work, I've tried it. Find something to pick the lock."

"What am I looking for?" Lily asked, standing up.

"Look for something metal, like a hair pin." Severus nodded towards the junk heap a few dozen feet away. Lily sprinted away and came back minutes later, holding an assortment of metal scraps. "Good. Now bend them at the ends a little…that's it, and put it in. Feel the pins? Push them up. You can hear the clicks. Put in that right there…no the one to my right. Turn that…" there was a louder click and the lock came apart. He quickly unraveled the chains, making sure not to hit them against each other, and rubbed the angry red marks on his wrist wincingly.

"I did it," Lily looked ecstatic.

"That would have been a lot easier with magic."

"Do you know how…?" Lily's voice was hushed, excited.

"Only if I had a wand," Severus motioned for her to sit. She sank down onto the mud beside him while he watched the rain swim down the roof in rivets, avoiding her rapturous gaze. "You need one, every witch and wizard has one. It's how you can control your magic. Right now, all the stuff we do…it's very simple. When you get to Hogwarts, they teach you how to perform all kinds of charms and spells."

Lily opened her mouth to speak when there was another commotion from the window. Severus leaned in to look while trying to block Lily's view. She peeked over his shoulder anyways. "I need to go check on that goddamn boy," Tobias grumbled.

"Don't hurt hi -"

"Shut up, you whore," the man spat as he knocked a stack of pans to the ground.

"Damn it, we need to move," Severus grabbed Lily's hand and pulled her into the rain. His brain was working frantically to think of places they could hide. It was really no use, his father knew every nook and cranny of the place.

Lily was reluctant to leave the shelter of the roof. "What's happening?"

"If he sees you here, he's going to hurt me and he's going to hurt you." Severus told her as calmly as possible. He could feel the hysteria and fear shaking in his voice. "So you need to take your bike and get out of here now, you hear? And you can't come back to find me."

"What's going to happen to you?" Tears were starting to build in Lily's almond eyes. Severus watched them escape down her cheek with an odd tugging feeling in his chest.

"I -" The lie died on his tongue, and his face hardened into acceptance. "I'll probably get hit and chained up again."

The red haired girl stood resolute on the spot. "I'm not leaving, and you can't make me. Severus sighed in frustration yet a thrill ran through him at her words. He could already hear the front door opening.

"Get on," he told her, pointing to the bike's handlebars, "trust me." And something in his expression got through to Lily. She obeyed wordless. Severus jumped onto the seat and made sure she was perched safely before straining against the pedals. The pedals were resistant under the weight but they had hit the streets and were now speeding away from the house.

Lily laughed gleefully. Rain was coming down all around them and cars honked impatiently as they swerved between lanes. "We must look so ridiculous right now," Severus smiled. A passing truck screeched by, splashing them with mud and water. Lily screamed in delight.

They finally stopped at the park and were back on the swings. "You don't plan on going back tonight, are you?" Lily asked, her voice serious.

"No, I don't think so."

"Need a place to stay?"

Severus gave a wry smile. "I doubt your parents would approve."

"We have a garden shed we don't use anymore. It's pretty big, actually. You do have to watch out for the occasional spider, but it could work." Lily picked at a streak of dried mud on her arm. "It would beat sleeping outside."

"Thank you," he answered gratefully. Not once had Lily brought up her proposed adventures. She had seen Severus for who he really was and yet did not think any less of him. On hindsight, it could be said that their true first encounter wasn't when they shook hands in the park, or when she presented him with a shiny bike, it was then, the two of them swinging in comfortable silence, soaked in grime and reveling in the unspoken bliss.

The last weeks of summer faded away like the heat and were quickly replaced by the hustle bustle of an impending school year and fiery leaves. Severus's school trunk was packed and ready and stowed under his bed. He now learned to escape the house through the window in the morning, before Tobias had woken, to meet Lily at the park. She always waited patiently on the swings, holding the breakfast she'd packed for him. They would then quickly fill each other in on everything that happened in the night and spend the day roaming around.

When it rained, Lily always demanded playfully for a bike ride, and he was only too happy to oblige. They found their joy in rush hour traffic and careless fraternizing with cold water and mud.

On this particular day, they were lying beneath the shade of The Tree, an overgrown oak whose branches spread well beyond their heads in lush green. Severus was almost asleep, the warm sunlight dancing off his eyelids.

"Do you think married couples fight all the time?" Lily suddenly asked, turning her head to looking at Severus.

"Hmm?" He opened his eyes sleepily and looked at the trees. "I dunno, I suppose. Everyone fights sometime." He knew that she didn't just ask for no reason. "Were your parents fighting last night?"

"Not as bad as yours, I was just wondering," Lily sighed. "Why do people do it, Sev? How could they hurt the people they love over a thing like money?"

He didn't have an answer for her, but perhaps his silence was answer enough.

"Wouldn't that be something if we got married someday?" She rolled onto her back and spread her arms over her head, stretching. "I think I'd be very happy, wouldn't you? I wouldn't care where we lived…maybe we could just travel. I like going to new places…" Lily trailed off, she was seeing it in her mind.

There was something building in Severus's eyes, threatening to spill over. He turned his back to her. "It won't happen."

"How do you know?" She asked indignantly.

"It doesn't. We're eleven, Lily. Chances are, after school, we go our own separate ways. You could end up in America or working for the Ministry. People lose touch. It happens all the time."

Lily sniffed. "You just wait a decade and say that to me again."

"Are you going to prove me wrong?" Severus smiled, and turned back to face her, now certain he wasn't going to betray any signs of weakness.

"For future references, candlelit dinner when you propose, please and thank you," Lily laughed jokingly and sprang up. They spent the afternoon chasing each other through the park, at last retiring to the garage for lemonade.

"Dad's taking me to Diagon Alley tomorrow to get my stuff," Lily added off-handedly, picking out a lemon and sucking on it. "Want to tag along? I could finally introduce you."

Severus smiled, "he'd better be prepared then."

He had already bought all his stuff, or otherwise inherited them secondhand from his mother. Severus had spent all night poring over an old edition of Advanced Potion-Making. He wouldn't need it till sixth year, according to Eileen, but he found everything interesting. Already, he'd unearthed a better way of going about making a Draught of Living Death, based on the principles aforementioned in the chapter of the book.

Severus tried to dress as presentable as possible the next day. Lily almost laughed when she saw him. She hid her giggle behind her hand. "You look ridiculous to me, but come on."

Mr. Evans was a tall man with dark hair and an easy-going smile. His handshake was firm as Severus mumbled his "nice-to-meet-you" shyly. "Lily tells me you're a wizard too," he tested out the word gently. "I couldn't believe it at first, almost fainted in fact, isn't that right Lily-pudding?"

"That's right," Lily winked, green eyes twinkling.

He caught a glimpse of a scowling Petunia looking over at them as the front door swung shut. Then he was being ushered to a van by Mr. Evans, who got in the front while Lily pulled him into the backseat.

The car ride was surprisingly relaxing. Mr. Evans rambled on the entire trip, "Couldn't be more proud of my Lily here. Magic! Can you imagine, oh yes, well I suppose you can." He braked hard as he almost ran a red light. "Sorry about that, my mind just slipped away for a second."

They entered through a dingy looking pub and helped through to Diagon Alley by the barman. As the brick wall parted, Severus watched Lily eagerly for her first reaction to the wizarding world. She didn't disappoint. The wonder was in her eyes.

Lily danced from shop to shop, touching every strange object and book in sight. Mr. Evans told them to wait at Madam Malkin's to get Lily's robes made while he ran to Gringotts to exchange money.

"Lift your arms up a little more, dear," Madam Malkin urged while Lily grinned excitedly at Severus who was watching her, smiling back.

Mr. Evans returned soon enough and paid for the robes. Then they visited each shop in turn, buying brass scales and quills and parchment. At last, they stood outside Ollivander's. Upon entering, they were greeted by Mr. Ollivander.

"Severus, is it?" Mr. Ollivander said kindly. "Didn't you just come in last week? Thirteen inches, birch and dragon heartstring, was it?

"Yes sir," he mumbled.

"Now, let's get you trying out some wands," Mr. Ollivander said to Lily. She found it on her fifth try, when she flicked it gently and it produced a flock of white doves.

"Ah…ten and a quarter inch, willow, unicorn tail hair. Swishy, excellent for charms of course. You're going to be a brilliant witch, you know."

Mr. Evans treated the two of them to sundaes while they spent a few more hours wandering about the shops and watching the people interestedly. There was an old man bargaining over a set of gobstones in one shop, and a mother rushing her chubby son away from the display case at Quality Qudditch Supplies. ('Come on, Peter. We still have to get your wand.')

When they returned home at last, Severus was spent and tired. He shook hands with Mr. Evans again with reassurances that he did not need a ride home and he waved at Lily with a knowing smirk. Once her parents were asleep, she would sneak out her window and meet him in the park again until it was late enough for Severus to arrive in his bedroom, undetected.

Sure enough, within an hour, Lily was skipping out of her house again. She suddenly stopped midway, looking as if she'd forgotten something. "I baked cookies with mum last night and I set aside a plate for you, but I forgot it in my room," she pointed back at the house.

"I'll wait," Severus called.

"No, no, come with me. Just be quiet."

Lily pushed open the back door slowly and slipped in first, holding the door open for Severus who slipped in behind her. She nodded toward the staircase. "My room," she mouthed. The steps were especially creaky. Severus flinched nervously whenever his foot found one of the danger spots.

"Maybe I should just wait outside," he whispered.

"I want to show you my room though," Lily turned, pouting. "Just a few more steps…" they had reached the landing. "My room's just to the left. Go there and wait, I need to go to the bathroom."

Severus cursed under his breath. He could just imagine the fuss they'd cause if Mr. and Mrs. Evans found a strange boy skulking around their precious daughter's bedroom. He found the white door ajar and pushed.

It was dark. He fumbled on the wall for a light switch. As bright light flooded the room, the lump on the bed gave a great snort and Severus quickly flipped the switch down, his heart pounding. This was evidently not Lily's room. He stood there, not even daring to move an inch while the figure tossed on the mattress and moments later, soft snores filled the room.

In the brief seconds of light, Severus could have sworn he had seen Albus Dumbledore's name glinting off some white mass on the desk beside him. His eyes now adjusting to the dark, he realized it belonged to a thick envelope addressed to Petunia.

"What are you doing?" Lily hissed, coming up behind him.

Severus showed her the letter, "Do you suppose they have wizards working in the muggle post service?" Lily took the paper from him and read quickly.

"Oh Tuney. No wonder she's been so distant lately," she sighed, replacing the letter quickly and closing the door behind her. "I feel bad though Sev. Do you think it was right, reading that?"

Severus was mute on that point. Neither of them was in much mood anymore for the chocolate chip cookies which Lily had wrapped with cellophane and ribbon. And when he finally bade Lily goodbye, it was to a subdued girl who barely mumbled a reply.

The next day, he woke with a start, wondering if Lily was still angry at the events of the previous night when a small rock hit his window. He hastily looked out to see Lily waving from the street and he understood that all was forgiven, and this gave him joy like none other.

After a long day of ecstatic planning and discussion, they finally parted, knowing very well that the next day would bring about the beginning of their education at Hogwarts.

As Severus biked, he absent-mindedly watched the moonlight cast fantastical shadows on the drifting leaves. A shiver went through him quite unrelated to the chilly air; something was about to change.

_ (A/N: Had a little fun making up Sev's wand. Not too sure about the dragon heartstring as the core, but Ollivander makes wands with only three choices of cores, screw him. I'm definite on birch though. And you know what big wands say about its owner…also, JKR mentioned that Lily would have loved Severus the way he loved her given the right circumstances. Being the hopeless romantic and forever Sev and Lily shipper that I am, here they are. The right circumstances. I'm trying to stick to the book as much as possible but just a heads up, the events after the DADA O.W.L will not be "Snape's Worst Memory", assuming that it is his worst memory because Lily basically ignored him after that. Sigh. I do wish they could have ended up together. I really do not give a damn if Voldemort eventually ruled the world because Harry Potter was never born, I mean there's always Neville, as long as Lily and Sev could have made pretty babies together. This is a very long note. I'm sorry, I tend to ramble on quite a bit. Oh and a lot of these chapters are just little cute drabbles like this one and really have no relevance to anything. I'm just working my way along a timeline and am currently planning how long to spend on each insignificant school year. Would it feel too rushed if I did a year per chapter?)_


	4. Change

The realization that somewhere, a train was awaiting him to board did not quite hit Severus until he finally dressed himself and waited quietly by the door with his trunk. Tobias seemed mostly sober as he looked up and down at his son with distaste. For a moment, Severus wondered if he was about to hit him.

"Bye dad," he said quietly.

The man gave a grunt of acknowledgment and stomped away. The crippling disappointment hit and he was disgusted at himself for expecting any more. Eileen appeared on the stairs, looking unsteady on her feet. She cleared her throat, her bony fingers closing the clasp of the cloak on her neck. "Shall we get going then?" She rasped. Severus reached out for her cold hand and gripped it firmly.

Then they were twisting through fabrics of space and Severus felt the ground beneath his feet change into cool cement. They were standing in King's Cross station, disguised behind an awaiting train at platform 9. Retrieving a free luggage trolley, they wove their way quickly around the train and between the rush of tourists and workers.

Severus did not know if they were spotted by any curious muggles in keeping up with his mother's large strides. She disappeared through the barrier between platforms 9 and 10 and he followed suit, arriving at a far more boisterous scene than the one he'd left.

Two boys were chasing each other up and down the length of the great red steam engine, their mother running after them and shrieking warnings. Many tear filled goodbyes were taking place all around them and waving of hands. Eileen stood quite unmoved beside Severus, quietly taking in her surroundings. Many who did not know her would have thought her distant, or even displeased, but Severus had long since learned to read his mother's nuances. He saw how warmness crept into her dark eyes and glowed there pleasantly in the lasting nostalgia, it was how she smiled.

Leaving her in her moment, he glanced about once more for the familiar glint of red hair. He found her immediately, talking to her family a few meters away from where he stood. Mr. Evans was instantly recognizable. He was looking around wildly, still wearing that disbelieving expression he'd worn in Diagon Alley. Petunia looked as sour as ever. She was arguing with Lily, her shrill voice carrying down to his ears. Half-listening, he noticed Mrs. Evans standing with her hands still clutched tightly about the trolley bar. She had dark red hair, many shades darker than Lily's and sharp green eyes with an off-putting quality. Severus saw her frown when she spotted him staring at her and she leaned in to whisper something to her husband.

Lily's argument with her sister had ended and she was now extricating the trolley from her mother's fingers, simultaneously wiping at her eyes. Moments later, she disappeared into the train.

"I'll be going then," Severus finally turned to look at Eileen who gave a barely noticeable nod. Halfway to the entrance, he was intercepted by Mr. Evans. "Ah, good to see you, son," he found himself having his hand shaken. "Excited about going to school?" The man looked as if he were the one boarding the train instead of his daughter, he was practically skipping.

"Yes sir," Severus answered politely, pushing away the involuntary jealousy which peeked from some subconscious deep within him.

"That's good." The man smiled encouragingly. "Lily tells me you two are good friends. Now you take good care of my darling, you hear? If anything happens to her, I'll have your head for it," he wagged a warning finger jokingly.

"I will," he couldn't hide his smile. "Thanks for everything, Mr. Evans."

Something flitted across the man's face, a mixture of sympathy and caring. "And you take good care of yourself too," he said seriously. Severus blushed. He could feel his drab attire being scrutinized again.

"You too. Have a good year, sir." They shook hands again and Severus watched as he made his way back to his wife who stood with her arms crossed in the way which reminded him so much of Lily. She was muttering anxiously to her husband, stealing furtive glances at him, and he took it as his cue to leave.

The train gave three sharp whistles as Severus hurried on board. He was torn between going to Lily as soon as possible and the allure of fresh robes in his trunk. Deciding a few minutes wouldn't hurt; he stumbled into the nearest bathroom and hastily pulled his shirt over his head. He slipped into the comfortable black fabric. It welcomed him in a way that felt like he'd always belonged in it. Brushing some hair from his face, he lugged his trunk down the corridor, looking into each compartment briefly for a flash of red. The train had already begun moving, the wheels rumbling beneath his feet.

At last he spotted her, sitting hunched within herself in the corner of Compartment T. Three other boys were talking loudly in the small space, clambering over each other and brandishing their wands in excitement. Severus drew a deep breath, slightly repelled by the noise, and slid the door open. One of the boys glanced at him briefly.

"Excuse me," he muttered, pushing his way by a jumble of feet and dragging his trunk in behind him. Stowing the heavy box safely in the overhead shelf, Severus quietly slipped into the empty seat across from Lily. She had not greeted him yet in her usual manner, her head was turned away, green eyes watching the countryside mutely. They betrayed nothing.

Severus sat there awhile, his hands clasped in his lap, wondering if he'd done something wrong. She didn't turn to look at him. He struggled to keep the impatience out of his breathing and fidgeting. Lily was making him nervous. He recounted the events of yesterday in his mind quickly.

"I don't want to talk to you," Lily finally said, her voice low but cracking. She shifted a little closer to the window, as if to emphasize her point.

Severus felt as if he were about to burst with anxiety. "Why not?"

"Tuney h-hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore," she reached up again to wipe away new-formed tears.

Was that it? He almost laughed with relief, but caught himself short. "So what?"

Lily turned to look at him now, her face livid. "So she's my sister!" All of the boys in their compartment stopped talking for a few seconds to stare at them. Severus glared at them until they returned to talking about quidditch.

"She's only a -" the word 'muggle' died on his tongue. He was doing nothing to comfort her, he realized. Tears were flowing relentlessly down her cheeks now. She gasped short shuddering breaths as she wiped at them frantically.

He cast about for some other way to stem the crying. The Hogwarts train. "But we're going!" he cried, "This is it! We're off to Hogwarts." At her reluctant smile, he congratulated himself and grinned back at her.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," he added. On the few occasions he'd met his mother's relatives, they'd always say the best witches and wizards came from Slytherin. "Why look at Eileen," one of them had whispered to the others, "Getting in Slytherin was the only thing in her life she'd ever done right. Then she goes and marries a filthy muggle. What a shame. She had potential." The others had voiced their agreement while little Severus stood nearby, listening in. "You, boy. Fetch me more tea."

He was shaken from his reverie by a loud comment made from the boy sitting a little apart from him. Severus hadn't heard what he said, but Lily was looking at him too, looking offed by his tone of voice.

The boy was smirking as he looked at Severus. He found himself tucking his hair behind his ears again self-consciously. "Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" His retort was directed towards the boy opposite him, the one who'd been testifying about the features of the new Comet 180 just moments earlier.

"My whole family have been in Slytherin," the boy who was spoken to did not smile. In fact, in contrast to his grinning self during the broomstick discussion, he now looked quite miserable.

"Blimey, and I thought you seemed all right!" The loud boy exclaimed incredulously, as if the thought of anyone decent from Slytherin should be so surprising. Severus looked at Lily again, wanting to open his mouth and interject. She was watching the boy with such a disgusted manner that Severus smiled in gratefulness.

"Maybe I'll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

The boy leaped onto the seat, and raised his hand around a mock sword handle. "Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!" He announced to the entire compartment. "Like my dad," he added almost smugly.

Severus scoffed at the overbearing display. It wasn't as if Gryffindor was the only decent house at Hogwarts, he retorted in his head, but stopped himself from making the comment. He had long learned that fighting back puts himself in a vulnerable position.

The boy had turned to him sharply. The patronizing look was back in his hazel eyes. "Got a problem with that?" Severus noted how his fingers twitched toward the wand sticking out from his pocket.

"No, if you'd rather be brawny than brainy…" He let his annoyance get the better of him. Severus just wished they'd leave him alone to discuss things quietly with Lily, the way they could have done if they were back safely under the shelter of their tree. He thought of the park longingly.

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" The long haired boy whose family had been in Slytherin piped up. Severus, disconcerted, looked at him instead, the little empathy he held for his earlier comment quite dissipating. He opened his mouth to defend himself when Lily, who'd been sitting wordlessly the entire time, stood up angrily, her hand reaching over to grab his. "Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment."

She was reaching over to grab her luggage with the other hand, practically stepping on the boys' feet as she stamped furiously towards the door. Severus, taken aback, barely managed to grab the handle on his trunk as he let himself be dragged away.

The boys chorused her voice mockingly, breaking into roars of laughter. "See ya, Snivellus!" Severus heard distinctly as Lily slammed the door shut behind her.

Lily wrenched open the door to an open compartment and practically threw her trunk at the floor. "They make me so mad!" She growled into the air, hands shoving down on either side of her on the down filled seat.

"I'll get them back," Severus promised her, thinking back to the boy's face with great dislike. There was something in the boy's expression that reminded him of his father. The memory twisted his face into a scowl.

Lily was still holding on to his hand. "Promise me you won't stoop to their level, Sev. They're just being immature."

"I -" his voice faltered.

She looked quickly up at him as he looked around nervously. He could tell she noticed he didn't reassure her the way he usually did. "Just trust me, okay?" He said in place of his promise.

Lily leaned back into her seat. "I just don't want to see you get hurt. Not while we're here at Hogwarts." Severus smiled sadly at her. He could tell she was thinking about his father again.

"Anyway, tell me about the houses," Lily said quickly, her voice falsely cheery. "So you said I should be in Slytherin? How many are there? What are they there for?"

Severus was glad for the change of topic. He answered gladly. "There are four houses. You get sorted into one by the sorting hat, and you basically eat and sleep and participate in the house cup based on whichever house you're in. The house cup is a prize given to the house with the most points by the end of the school year. You earn points for your house by doing well in class and things like that."

"What if I don't do well in the classes?" Lily said, her voice suddenly small. "Because I'm muggle-born?"

Severus reached over to cover her hand with his. "I've told you countless times, Lily. It doesn't matter. You'll be an excellent witch. I just know it. Trust me," he smiled.

The train rumbled on ahead while they both sat back to relax. Lily soon fell asleep, curled up on the seat like a cat. Severus watched her contently for a few minutes, then reached into his trunk to take out his battered Advanced Potions book.

He was lost in the theory of transfiguration potions when he felt eyes on him, and Severus looked up to see Lily staring at him, reclining against the side wall. "No, go on," she quickly said, noticing that she'd interrupted his studying, "you look serene when you read."

"I can't read with you gawking at me," Severus sighed, reaching over to put his book away. Lily leaned forward to snatch it from his hands.

"Fine, then I'll read with you," she compromised.

"You won't find it interesting."

Lily placed the book open on its spine on her trunk, which she stacked above Severus's to form a makeshift table. "There, let's see…Elixir of Euphoria."

"I read fast," Severus warned.

"I read faster," Lily countered. And sure enough, after he had reached the last sentence, she was already looking at him smugly, having finished a few seconds prior.

"Not bad," Severus laughed. He noted how much he really laughed lately, that it was really hard not to grin just seeing the red-haired girl.

Lily continued, brushing her hair back with a professional expression. "But it says here that side effects may contain excessive singing and…" she peered at the page, "nose-tweaking. Huh. If what I've read in my current book about the properties of hybrid mints is true, then couldn't you just add some peppermint to prevent that from happening?"

Severus stared at her, wide-eyed. She looked back innocently. "If you only understood how brilliant you are!" He nearly jumped to rummage in his bag for a quill. "Yes, peppermint…why didn't I think of that?"

"Because I'm smarter than you," Lily joked. "May I do the honours?" She held out her hand for the quill. Severus gave her the utensil, bewildered, as she scrawled in "add a sprig of peppermint" beside the list of ingredients in the margin.

"How did you know?"

Lily pointed to some markings he'd already made along the page. "Well, it's obvious isn't it? That was fun. Let's find another one."

Soon, they were poring over Exploding Fluids, antidotes, and Severus even dared to begin to construct the ingredients needed for veritaserum based on the theory given while Lily dissected the method through the ingredient he came up with.

The sky was darkening outside. Footsteps were now thundering up and down the corridors and conversations floated in through the door from students hanging about. "You should change into your robes," Severus told Lily, closing the book at last and feeling satisfied.

She left somewhat reluctantly. He smiled to himself as he listened to her footsteps run and push past other people in her hurry. Severus hummed a song to himself as he tidied up their workspace, putting away quills and ink bottles. He wasn't sure where he'd heard the song before, but its light tune lead him along a familiar chorus.

He sank back down into the seat, tapping his long fingers absent-mindedly on his knee. There came a sharp rap on the glass, two dark-haired boys were peering at him, and he instantly recognized them from the ones who had occupied Compartment T before.

"Where's your little girlfriend, Snivellus?" One of them called through the glass, and they both laughed raucously as they walked away.

Anger tore its way through Severus. These boys weren't his father, he realized. He had nothing to lose by fighting back. They wouldn't hurt his mother if he didn't offer himself up as a punching bag. He flung the door open and sent a trip jinx after the two retreating figures. It gave him great satisfaction to see them crash stumbling onto the ground in a heap, looking absolutely bemused.

"What are you doing?" Lily appeared, her hair redder than ever in contrast with her black robes. She gaped at the boys down the corridor, then hastily pushed Severus into the compartment. Shutting the door behind them, she whispered urgently, "did you do that?"

"They asked for it," Severus snapped, and regretted it almost instantly when Lily flinched. He was still riding on the high of being able to use his magic against his offenders, all the anger bottled within him for eleven years finally being released. It was like taking a new breath. His eyes were darker than ever, the cold smile still lingering on his lips. He scolded himself for letting someone like that get the better of the laughing person he was when he was with Lily.

"I thought you said I should trust you?" Lily sat down and rubbed her brow wearily.

"I know, I'm sorry," Severus said earnestly. "I just lost my head for a second. Really, I wasn't lying. You should trust me. Lily, we are friends, right?" He added the last question tentatively.

"I know they make you mad, they make me mad too," Lily threw a look at the hallway outside. "And are you crazy? The best," she smiled. "Hey, look at me," she said seriously because Severus was looking out the window miserably, "no matter what happens, we're still going to be together, alright? Remember what I told you a few days ago, under our tree? I wasn't lying either."

"Right," Severus nodded, though still feeling the harsh aftermath of the cold joy he'd felt when the jinx hit. He should be feeling guilty, he realized, and he did, not for his actions but for enjoying it.

The train was screeching to a halt. They waited patiently in their compartment to avoid the onrush of students stampeding off the train, and left among the last stragglers. Upon coming out on the platform, they found themselves being ushered into a group of other anxious looking first-years. A tall man with a short brown beard was waving at them. "Firs' years-over 'ere! Hurry up, firs' years!"

Groupings of row boats were bobbing side to side in the dark water. They were quickly separated into boats. Severus found himself in the same boat as Lily and another boy who promptly ignored them.

"Propelling charm," Severus said to Lily who was examining the self moving boat interestedly. Moments later, her focus had shifted from the wooden contraption to the looming castle before them. From far away, it had not seemed so large, but as they neared the building, they were swallowed in the unseen shadows it cast.

The man, Hagrid, he called himself, pushed open the large oak doors once they'd docked. The warmth and light flooding the shivering first years was incredible. Four tables were filled with empty plates, goblets, and students already seated and watching the newcomers curiously. Albus Dumbledore beamed at them from where he stood in welcome in the middle of the professors' table. Beside him, a large bellied man with an almost silver mustache was talking to the stern-faced witch who looked slightly irritated. She got up moments later, and returned briskly with a three-legged stool, upon which stood a battered hat.

"I will not withhold you any longer. Without further ado," Dumbledore announced to the Great Hall, "Let the sorting begin!" There was general applause all around as the witch marched forward, unfurling a large scroll. "When I call your name," she directed toward the first-years, "you will come sit on the stool and put on the hat. Please sit at the appropriate table according to the house that the hat calls out." She then pointed to each table and named each respectfully.

"Airhart, Lauren." Lauren Airhart walked up to the stool slowly, trembling. Severus turned to look at Lily instead. He found her already looking at him, looking scared and seeking reassurance. Let her be in Slytherin, please, Severus found himself praying, his fingers tightly crossed in his pocket.

A Roger Dale was soon sorted into Hufflepuff. The witch peered at the parchment through her spectacles and called, "Evans, Lily!" Severus felt her hand squeeze his and then she was walking up to the stool with feigned bravado. She seated on the stool properly and slowly lifted the sorting hat above her head. Lily looked right at him while she let the hat drop.

There was barely a second's pause. "Gryffindor!" The hat shouted. The red and gold table burst into applause. Lily hopped off the stool, looking disoriented. Her bright green eyes found Severus's and she smiled sadly at him as she slowly walked to the table. Quite sourly, he noticed the boy's friend from the train making room for her at the Gryffindor table.

"Get into Gryffindor," he saw Lily mouth at him, pointing to an empty seat beside her. Severus looked back at the sorting hat. He doubted it would let him choose which house he wanted to be in. Just then, shortly following a Peter Pettigrew, the dark haired boy with the glasses was cantering towards the hat, wearing that same confident look which set him apart from the quivering first-years. He'd answered to the call, "Potter, James." So that was his name, Severus thought with a twinge of hatred.

"Gryffindor!" The hat called, and Potter was running to the table, pushing Lily into the seat she'd meant to save for Severus and congratulating his friend, Sirius Black loudly. Severus started at the careless way he'd pushed Lily aside but she did not appear to be injured, in fact, she looked quite offended. Smiling, Severus turned his attention back to the hat.

"Snape, Severus," the witch called. Severus felt eyes watching him uncomfortably as he walked. He looked at Lily like she'd done for him once seated._ Here goes nothing._

The hat fell over his eyes and immediately, its cool voice was analyzing his thoughts, probing into every memory and reaction. "There's knowledge within you, and a thirst to learn. You would do well in Ravenclaw. But I also see ambition, yes, very prominent indeed," the hat contemplated, "cunningness, and a desire to prove yourself; all the makings of a successful Slytherin. In fact…" There was a pause and Severus knew it was one or the other. Either way, his seat beside Lily had vanished.

"Slytherin!"

Bright spots had appeared before his eyes from the sudden light. Through his vision impairment, he saw Potter and Black booing him loudly, smirking. Lily had slumped onto the table, her head on her arms. He turned to the Slytherin table where its occupants were clapping. A pale, blond haired boy was waving at him to sit beside him, and he managed to find his legs and move toward him.

"Good going," the boy patted him on the back as Severus slid into a seat. "My name's Lucius Malfoy. Prefect," he added proudly, pointing to the badge glinting on his robes. "Been in Hogwarts for five years. You really can't go wrong with Slytherin, in fact. Our quidditch team has won three years in a row, and we've never lost the house cup so far as I recall."

Severus let him talk for a while, looking over at the Gryffindor table with an urge to run over there and sit next to the girl who now looked quite alone, squeezed in between the two laughing boys who ignored her and a group of rowdy sixth-years.

"This here is Avery," Lucius pointed out a thin boy who looked murderously at Severus, obviously noticing his preoccupation with the Gryffindor table. Lucius remained oblivious to this exchange, "and Mulciber." An especially large boy was brooding beside Avery, and he grunted in response.

Dumbledore had stood up again. The sorting was apparently over. After a short speech, the plates loaded themselves with food. Mulciber immediately dug in, not talking to anyone as he shoveled food into his mouth. Avery didn't touch his cutlery, but instead glared at everyone around him.

Severus did not manage to eat much at the feast, his mind elsewhere. He responded politely to Lucius's attempts at small talk and finally, they were lead down to the common room and shown their dormitories.

"Well, good night then," Lucius finally said at the door of the first-year boys' dormitory. He pulled in Severus for a whisper. "If you need anything, anything at all, you can talk to me or the other prefect, Narcissa, okay?"

Severus looked at the older boy in confusion. He apparently thought him the type to be bullied around often, and Severus must agree that his appearance did give off that kind of vibe to others. It's all about survival, he thought, feeling his face grow emotionless the way it always did around his father. Closing himself off seemed the easiest way to make it through what is turning out to be seven lousy years. "I won't be needing your help in the future, thanks," he said coldly, turning to close the door in Lucius Malfoy's surprised face.

Severus found his bed quickly and crawled in, ignoring Avery who was now boasting about his family. He tried to block out the boy's drawling voice whose every word seemed to taunt his own heritage. At last, after several unsuccessful attempts at sleep, he sat up and turned to Avery, eyes dangerously black. "Shut your mouth or I'll jinx you," he said quietly, menacingly.

Avery must have been in shock, for he didn't respond, but merely sneered and sank into his own bed.

Severus watched him with eyes narrowed for a while, in case he decided to return the threat with an actual hex, then slowly lowered his head to his pillow, the sound of his pumping blood crashing about him. Like on the train, the feeling of others faltering beneath him filled Severus with an eerie excitement he could not explain. In that moment, he would have gladly killed Avery without remorse. He ground his teeth in frustration and pummeled his pillow. His dreams that night were filled with the distorted voice of his mother saying, "Life is just a survival game. Nothing more."


	5. Confusion

Severus was confused as he woke in his spacious bed the next morning. A migraine was building in the back of his head. His dorm mates were all still snoring lightly in their beds. Severus sighed loudly and fell back into his pillows, choosing to stare at the stone ceiling and possibly fall back asleep. After brooding in silence for a quarter hour, he finally sat up and pulled on his robes.

The sky was only beginning to brighten as Severus hurried down another corridor. His own footsteps ringing clear were strange to him. The castle was still collectively breathing in peaceful slumber.

The lack of human activity stretched to the Entrance Hall. Finally, Severus found a single girl sitting at an otherwise empty table in the Great Hall, along with several yawning professors at the staff table.

He didn't give the headmaster much notice, though Dumbledore was watching the boy intently, for the girl had just looked up and gave him a cheery wave. Apparently, Lily was still affected by their abnormal meeting schedule throughout the summer.

"Couldn't sleep either?" She smiled, letting Severus slip in next to her. He didn't respond, scanning the Gryffindor table nervously. "How was your night? Did you make new friends?" Her expression hardened a little and Lily looked as if she regretted asking the last question.

"Why, been having heart-to-hearts with Potter, have you?" Severus retorted coldly, ignoring the toast Lily put on his plate.

Lily winced. "What happened?" Her voice trembled. "You're…different this morning." Severus opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He closed it, looking furious with himself. "If you must know," Lily continued, voice rising, "nobody talked to me and I spent all night wondering if you were alright. But if you would rather I go 'have heart-to-hearts with Potter', then maybe I will." She started to pack her bag. Severus grabbed her hand hastily. "I didn't mean it. I've just…" he pushed his hair back, growling under his breath. "I don't know."

Lily stopped shoving books into her pack, and instead watched the boy shrewdly. Then, her expression softened and she slipped an arm around him. "Well, I'm sorry too." They sat like that for a while, Severus with his head in his hands and Lily with her arm hugging him to her reassuringly.

At last, they shifted awkwardly as students trickled into the Great Hall, looking tired and stretching their stiff joints. The two dark-haired boys were vibrant in contrast to most, pushing their way past each other to the Gryffindor table. They were tailed by a taller but quiet boy who was reading a book intently and a chubby boy with mousy hair. Severus recognized him as Peter Pettigrew from the sorting.

"Look, if it isn't _Snivellus_," Black pointed out once seated. "What's he doing here, getting his grease all over our breakfast?"

"You're right mate." Potter guffawed, running his hand through his hair sneeringly. "It's really making me lose my appetite. Why don't you hurry back to your little Slytherin friends and rub your nose in their business instead?"

Severus got up silently, murderous rage spreading like poison. He couldn't control the transformation seeping through his every pore, it was who he was, he realized with revulsion. Lily looked up at him beseechingly but even she seemed frightened by the ice before her. "I was just leaving," he said quietly, and turned on the spot to take a few staggering steps away from the red and gold table.

Without warning, his hand grasped at the wand in his pocket and he whipped around to bellow, "Flipendo!" The spell hit Potter, whose eyes widened in surprise behind his glasses, and he was blasted from his seat into an empty bench behind him. He slumped to the ground, groaning in pain, while several Gryffindors hurriedly got out of their seats to help him up.

Severus watched them scurry about Potter with grim satisfaction. He didn't care about the many professors who got up from the staff table and were now running to him. He didn't care about the Gryffindors' insults as some tried to send their feeble hexes back at him. What bothered him the most, though with no comparison to the sense of release from casting the jinx, was Lily's glowering face. She had glared at him for the longest minute, then resolutely turned her back to him, jumping into conversation with a brunette beside her.

"I never – jinxes in the Great Hall – never in all my years – Mr. Snape!" The witch who had announced the names at the sorting was suddenly beside him, looking flustered. "That was completely unacceptable! Twenty points from Slytherin and a week's detention!"

"A week? Surely that's a bit much," a mustached man argued who had appeared beside Severus. "There must be a reason why this boy displayed this sort of behavior under the professors' noses. He's only in his first year – doesn't know any better."

The witch spluttered indignantly, but looked relieved as she spotted one more person striding towards them. Severus's stomach churned despite of himself at the sight of Dumbledore.

"Horace is right, Minerva," Dumbledore said quietly, though he never took his gaze off of Severus. "Twenty points from Slytherin is enough. I noticed that Mr. Snape happened to be provoked, am I right?" He directed to Severus kindly.

Severus glared at him, trying to ignore the uncomfortable effect his bright blue eyes had on him, "This had nothing to do with Potter. I acted of my own free will."

"You see, Albus?" the witch cried. "I say this boy needs to be disciplined."

"No, Minerva," Dumbledore's eyes flashed dangerously, his voice bordering between politeness and anger. "I would kindly ask you and Horace to return to your breakfast, please."

The witch shot a burning look at Severus before marching away, her green robes sweeping behind her. The round bellied man followed her, looking back every few paces.

"I would like to see you in my office, if you please," Dumbledore said to him.

"With all due respect sir," Severus said, though none was in his voice, "I do not want to miss my first day at Hogwarts. Surely the headmaster would not take that privilege from me?"

Dumbledore examined him through his half-moon spectacles, eyes probing, "No, I suppose not," he said with a sigh. "Please come to my office as soon as the day ends." He extracted a piece of paper from his robes and gave it a short tap with his wand. "And have a good first day, Severus."

Severus stood, clutching his schedule with a silent fury at the bearded wizard as tables dispersed around him. He did not move, could not move, for if he did, he felt as if he would go after every single one of the undeserving bastards. As soon as he thought this, he flinched, repulsed with himself. But he could not escape what was so imbedded in the depths of his mind. He battled it back, trying to decipher the source which had unleashed this yearning in the first place.

"C'mon now…" Slender hands were prying at his, and he let his schedule go without seeing. "We have Transfiguration first thing, c'mon…" He was being lead through the halls, his feet weighing like buckets of cement as he shuffled after his shepherd.

His numbness did not leave him until he found himself moving along a sun-filled corridor, Lily pulling on his arm with a lot of effort. Severus felt the sharp pains in his shoulder resulting from being dragged along, and he welcomed it. "Am I forgiven?" he asked, his voice raspy.

"I'm still deciding," Lily responded, glancing back at him, though relief spread across her face in waves. "Can't you walk faster? We're late enough as it is."

They arrived in Transfiguration to the intake of breath by the entire class. The stern-faced witch was there again, looking at Severus crossly. "You're late. Ten points from Gryffindor and Slytherin. Please sit down and do not interrupt my class anymore, Mr. Snape and Ms. Evans."

Lily whispered an apology as she found an empty desk. Severus sat next to her, all the while scowling up at Professor McGonagall and ignoring the exasperated stares from the Slytherin side of the room.

They were transfiguring matchsticks into needles that day, something Severus found almost boring. He managed it on his first try, giving the matchsticks a lazy prod with his wand and the needles rolled away from him in glimmers of silver. Lily watched him, awestruck as he continued to transfigure matches with ease. She looked away quickly as he felt her gaze, brow furrowing as she pointed her wand at her matches.

"It helps if you give your wand a little swish," Severus told her quietly, demonstrating with his own wand and showing her the handful of needles which had resulted from the little piece of magic.

"I don't want your help," she snapped, and Severus almost smiled. She continued on her own, with no success, and at last, she nudged him and whispered, "Can you show me that again?"

"Am I forgiven?"

"You know I can't stay mad at you," Lily rolled her eyes.

Severus grinned, feeling more like himself than ever. He couldn't remember what had come over him to make him so hateful that morning. "Right then," he swished his wand and added a little something of his own to the spell, turning the needles a gleaming gold.

"Show off," Lily muttered, but she was smiling. Moments later, her excited squeal punctured the air as her matches morphed into needles before her eyes.

Professor McGonagall hurried over, looking pleased. "Well done, Ms. Evans. First to manage the spell, I see. Ten points to Gryffindor."

Severus tensed but did not say anything. It was Lily who piped up, "But professor. Sev transfigured his needles right away," she pointed out the piles of silver and gold needles. "And he was the one who helped me understand the spell."

A frown appeared on the witch's face as she looked between Lily and Severus, evidently finally noticing the two sitting together. "Yes…well, ten points to the Slytherin house also," she walked away, muttering to herself confusedly.

Lily positively beamed. "Show me how to turn the needles gold," she demanded and Severus was only all too glad to do so. By the end of class, they were talking fast again, heads together as they packed their bags with tokens of their success.

"But that wouldn't necessarily result in diamonds," Severus was saying in argument to what Lily had suggested. "Of course, if you're going for a glass needle, you could always use a Gote Charm." Someone bumped his shoulder from behind while passing.

"Nice to know where your loyalties lie, you filthy mudblood lover," Avery muttered close to Severus's ear as he rushed past. Severus froze, dragging Lily away in the other direction before he could revert to his catatonic state. He closed his eyes and willed the urges away.

"Wh -" Lily looked at him with confusion, then her eyes widened in alarm. "You're shaking." Her hand found his forehead and she snatched it away as if shocked. "Sev, you need the hospital wing. You're burning."

"I'm fine," Severus finally opened his eyes, focusing them on Lily's worried green ones and trying to find himself in their brightness. "Don't you have herbology right now? I don't want you to miss any more class."

Lily crossed her arms. "Honestly, it's like you don't know me at all." But what she had planned on saying was cut short. Severus swayed unsteadily on his feet and collapsed against her weakly. Lily gasped and her arm moved to the wall to stop herself from falling.

"Sev," she insisted, shaking him lightly. He stirred feebly, his head swimming. "Sev, c'mon. I don't know where the hospital wing is. Help me, please," He tried to answer. His tongue felt too large for his mouth. Severus coughed and found himself falling into a pool of decapitated hands, grabbing at him and pulling him down below…below...

Severus sprang up on the stiff mattress, gasping for air. He examined his chest, still feeling the fingernails scrabbling against his skin. A brown-haired witch bent over him, clucking, her expression stern yet maternal. Severus felt a rush of affection for the woman.

"How are you feeling?" She asked as she bustled around his bed, mixing water and some sort of lavender liquid in a glass. "Here, drink this."

Severus accepted the glass and gulped down its contents. It tasted sweet going down his throat, and a refreshing wave of cold swept over him. "I feel fine," he made as if to get up, to which the witch shook her head.

"I've got to keep you here just a little longer, just to make sure," she said, taking the glass away and feeling his forehead. "You should be very thankful your friend got you here on time. You were running a dangerously high fever."

Severus sat up and looked about. The matron, noticing, responded, "She left for class a while after. I made her go of course, but she was all for staying here with you. That's a very fine friend you've got. I think she'll be back soon. The day's almost over…"

Indeed, the skies were sheathed in red from what Severus could see from the hospital wing's tall windows. He sighed impatiently.

"Oh, you're awake!" Lily's voice cried and he found himself facing a blur of red hair. She hugged him ferociously. "I was so worried – Severus Tobias Snape, don't ever scare me like that again!" She settled into a chair. "But Madam Pomfrey did say she'd fix you up in no time. Still, I was…" Lily looked at her hands, suddenly quiet, her face matching her hair.

"Thank you for getting me to the hospital wing," Severus told her.

Lily grinned broadly.

A flash of the day's events blurred before his eyes, and he suddenly stumbled out of the bed. "Oh no," he groaned, "I have to go to Dumbledore's office."

Madam Pomfrey came squawking out from her office. "What do you think you're doing? Really, lie back down…Mr. Snape!"

Severus was running out the door, shouldering his bag and waving to Lily who giggled at Madam Pomfrey's enraged expression. She waved back brightly, walking out the door after him calmly.

He came to a halt at the gargoyles. Dumbledore was standing there, smiling. "I've been informed you've been in the hospital wing, there is no need to apologize," he raised a hand to halt Severus's ragged explanation between pants.

"Chocopuffs," the wizard said to the gargoyles, which leaped aside to reveal the staircase behind them. Severus followed, mouth open at the wide office. He didn't know where to look, every inch of the room seemed crammed to the brim with interesting instruments, paintings and other funny little movements.

"This is Fawkes," Dumbledore added conversationally, gesturing to a magnificent phoenix perched on a silver cage. The bird gave a low cry and turned from Severus to groom its fiery feathers with its beak. "Sit," he motioned at a plush sofa in front of the headmasters' desk. Severus obeyed, watching as the man took his position at the chair behind the desk.

"You seem very different from the boy who told me he would like to enjoy his first day at Hogwarts this morning," Dumbledore spoke first, looking at Severus over top his aged hands.

Severus fidgeted in his seat.

"The mind is a complex thing, Severus," He continued, "I hope you understand what 'control' means? I would imagine, for a boy like you, that you would want nothing more than to have control over yourself."

"Are you calling me incompetent?" Severus ventured.

"No, I am saying that I hope you will put effort into understanding yourself instead of, forgive me, taking the coward's way out." Dumbledore smiled. "I think the real Severus would know that there is distinction between choice and being."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning," Dumbledore leaned forward, his voice now serious, "Our choices make us who we are, Severus. It does not matter who you were born or the things you've been through, not that I'm doubting the troubles you've had to face."

Severus looked down, "I -" He paused, "yes sir."

"Good," Dumbledore smiled encouragingly and Severus knew he was dismissed. As his hand reached for the knob, Dumbledore called, "And Severus?"

He turned, "Yes?"

Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled above his glasses. "Miss Lily Evans is a very lucky girl. I would expect that you hold on to her."

"Yes sir," Severus opened the door, pausing before he closed it all the way. He thought he'd just overheard a snide voice saying, "what makes you think this Slytherin is any different from the rest, Dumbledore?"

"I've already made a grave mistake with one of my students, Phineas," Dumbledore's voice sounded tired, "I would be a fool if I cannot save another one."


	6. Loyalties

The first few days following his talk with Dumbledore passed without incident. Severus made an effort to avoid Potter in the hallways, and was thankful that Avery more or less ignored him when they happened upon each other in the common room. Mulciber seemed to share the same sentiments as his friend, though Severus wasn't sure whether this was attributed to his friendship with a Gryffindor or Mulciber's own stupidity.

All the while, he attached himself to Lily. Something in the emerald depths of her eyes kept him sane and reminded him of the choice he was making, _this _choice. They mostly discussed potions in the quiet of the library with no one to disturb them except the occasional outburst from Madam Pince whenever they laughed too loudly. Lily had suggested after-dark explorations within the castle, but was silenced as she caught Potter and Black making similar plans.

Lily was especially excited that morning. They were to have their first potions class. Instead of eating in the rowdy Great Hall where snide remarks often came their way, Lily usually snatched a plate of toast before the crowd of students had come in and they ate over long talks at the beech tree outside by the lake.

After wolfing down his breakfast, Severus cracked open the worn-out book again, wanting to share a discovery with Lily. She leaned forward interestedly also, anticipating the excited look on his face.

"Right, so," he finished chewing his last bite of toast and swallowed, "I finally figured out that chapter we were reading in the library yesterday. And it's simple really; I think we were overthinking it. The focus is more on binding the magic to the word, a bit like training dogs."

"To familiarize the spell and corresponding action with the core!" Lily exclaimed, bits of crumbs flying from the toast in her hand to land in her hair. "It all makes sense now. I see what you mean with the overthinking. So how soon do you think we could start on our first spell?"

"We need to simulate aspects of the effects of the spell and I really don't want to begin too soon without knowing some basic things first."

"But you already know!"

"Yes, but we're first-years, Lily!" Severus thought his voice sounded rather exasperated and he worked to make it kinder. "I really don't think we shouldn't attempt it without some training first. What if something goes wrong?"

Lily pouted but he knew she saw reason in his argument. "Thanks for getting my hopes up," She grumbled good-naturedly.

Severus noticed the students beginning to exit the castle. Some were heading to the greenhouses while the other students were moving to the edge of the Forbidden Forest where their Care of Magical Creatures class was apparently taking place. "Potions time, Lily."

Lily was almost running as they hastened down the endless flights of stairs. The potions classroom was in the dungeons, far from the main level of the castle. Severus was completely out of breath as they entered, finding themselves to be the first ones there.

"Good morning, Professor Slughorn," Severus greeted politely while Lily bounced around the classroom. He felt as if he were taking care of a very hyperactive five year old at the moment.

"Ooh, a bezoar!" She pointed to the box excitedly, then pushed it aside to look at the other contents of the ingredients cabinet. Professor Slughorn chuckled delightedly at her enthusiasm.

"I can tell right away that you're going to be a bright witch, Miss Evans," Slughorn told her. Lily grinned up at him. "Why don't you take a seat now. I guarantee you that you will get to demonstrate your abilities when I start the class."

Lily flounced back into her seat beside Severus. He had already set up his cauldron and had his tools lined up neatly beside it. "Will you calm down?" He placed a hand on her shoulder, laughing.

"I can't! Here's everything you've ever taught me, right here." She lugged her cauldron onto the platform given, and mimicked Severus's perfectly arranged equipment. "Do you think we'll make any Everlasting Elixirs today?"

At that moment, Slughorn had called class to order. Between Lily's excitement and cauldron setting, the two houses had filed in and were now dividing in their respective sections of the room. Severus shifted a little closer to Lily.

"Now, does anyone know what hellebore is?" Slughorn directed to the class.

Lily's hand shot up so fast, she almost hit Severus in the face. "It has the properties to make a person invisible, so it's often used in concealment potions. It's also a key ingredient in the Draught of Peace. But it has high toxin levels, so anyone stupid enough to eat hellebore in hopes of becoming invisible is the biggest fool on the planet."

Slughorn laughed loudly. "Excellent, excellent. Ten points to Gryffindor. Now, another person then, can anyone tell me the properties of sneezewort?" He paced up and down the room, smiling at Lily's single hand in the air.

"Mr. Snape? Can you tell us?" Slughorn paused in front of Severus's desk, looking at him expectantly.

Severus cleared his throat nervously and looked around the room. Everyone was staring at him. "I don't know, sir."

As Slughorn moved away to interrogate a Gryffindor, Lily leaned in and whispered, "Why didn't you give him the answer? You obviously knew it."

Severus shrugged. "I didn't want to seem like a know-it-all."

Lily was silent and when Slughorn asked the next question, she didn't raise her hand. The professor waved his wand to reveal a set of instructions on the blackboard for a Boil-Curing Potion and told them to 'get to it'.

"Did you think I acted like a know-it-all?" Lily asked quietly, counting her porcupine quills with her head down. She didn't look at Severus.

Severus put down his wand where he'd been aiding the fire and stared at her, finally realizing what he said might have possibly been taken the wrong way. "I didn't mean it like that," he conceded. "For me, it's better for people to know nothing. You become readable when you expose yourself too much. I like to be shrouded in mystery, myself," he joked. Lily gave a small smile. "It's potions, Lily. It's your chance to shine, and I don't want to fight you for it. You're smart, you've earned it."

"I suppose," Lily took her cauldron off the fire with great effort, and added the porcupine quills she'd been counting. "But I think you know who's the brighter of us two."

"Obviously. You are."

"Don't make me hex you, Sev."

The end of class came quickly. The room was filled with thick grey smoke which seemed to be issuing from more than one cauldron. Slughorn hurried about, putting out hazard fires and vanishing a cauldron full of what seemed to be acid.

"My, my, my!" He exclaimed, coming upon Severus and Lily's cauldrons. The liquid was a bright blue, and a certain sweet and salty aroma was rising from Severus's while Lily's glowed softy. "This is fantastic! You've even each added your own touch…that's something one should only attempt when they're skilled in the properties of potions but it seems you two have managed just fine! You don't mind if I bottle some of this for my own use…? It's simply marvelous."

Severus looked sideways at Lily. She looked taken aback by Slughorn's excessive compliments.

"Outstandings for both of you. If you two keep exceeding expectations like this, I might get you both to work on some more advanced potions for me," Slughorn bottled the liquid in flasks and helped them clear away the rest. "Simply ingenious. Never in my life have I had such performance on the first day…from first-years no less!"

Professor Slughorn was true to his word. In the following months, after two classes in which Severus and Lily both produced exemplary potions, they were assigned to work at O.W.L standard while the rest of the class struggled with their simple assignments.

"Sev," Lily poked him. Severus shot up, looking around; he had been sinking into his own thoughts and the warmth of a rare sunny day in winter. Lily giggled. They were in the middle of a History of Magic lesson, though most of the class was either asleep or close to it. "You have ink on your face."

Severus rubbed at his cheek, "It's not like you don't know all this already. How do you manage to stay awake? Or do you actually take notes?"

"Don't be stupid, why would I need to waste my time writing down what Binns has to say?" Lily dropped her voice. "But need I remind you that Christmas Break begins tomorrow?"

Severus's heart sank. He had been dreading it for weeks. He was torn between going home where he knew he was not welcome and staying at Hogwarts without seeing Lily for two weeks. He could not fathom what might happen to him without her company. He was dependent on her, like an addictive drug he could not give up.

"What are you going to do?" Lily asked, almost too innocently. Her green eyes widened.

"Why?" Severus looked at her suspiciously. Something was going on. Lily had seemed far too cheery at breakfast and had hurried off somewhere without warning. He was left to wander the halls by himself until he found her in History of Magic, waiting with a smile on her face.

Lily huffed, "I can't believe you hadn't figured it out already. I asked my dad if you could stay with us over break and he said yes! I just got his owl this morning. He's clearing out the guest room and everything."

He just looked at her with astonishment while Binns droned on in the background, oblivious to what was happening in his class.

Lily smiled hugely, her dimples showing. "Get packing."

Severus could hardly believe his luck, even as he sprinted to his dorm room right after his charms class ended. He couldn't care less for neatness as he threw handfuls of clothes into his trunk. Then, giving up on doing so altogether, he flicked his wand and watched, satisfied, as his things packed themselves. Severus seized hold of the trunk handle and lugged it down to the common room. He paused, trying to remember if he'd forgotten anything.

"Having fun?" A low voice issued from the shadows of the room and Severus jumped, startled. Avery stepped out from the corner, having been in the room the entire time. He wore an odd expression. "And I was under the impression that you had nowhere to go, but of course, your little mudblood friend…" The boy toyed with his wand, weaving it between his fingers nonchalantly. "You know, you really convinced me on that first night. I thought you'd be an excellent Slytherin, but I know better now. You're nothing but a disgrace," Avery spat on the ground before Severus's feet.

His trunk fell to the stony floor loudly, spewing its contents everywhere. Severus did not hear the clatter his books made, or the scraping of chairs as the room's other occupants turned to watch, he was only aware of a trembling which vibrated from somewhere within his core…

"Stop it, Avery. C'mon now, you know better," Malfoy intervened, putting himself between Severus and the sneering boy. "It's the holidays, don't you have anything better to do than picking fights? Go to your dormitory. NOW," he added as Avery opened his mouth to protest.

Avery shot Severus one last scathing look before disappearing up the stairs. Malfoy waved his wand at the spilled books and clothing, and they flew into the trunk messily. "Ah, that's good enough."

Severus couldn't find his voice. His fists were clenched tightly at his side, and his feet screamed to chase after Avery. But he fought it, remaining rooted to the spot like a statue. Gradually, the white hot hatred ceased, replaced with the sound of his own panting. Malfoy was looking at him with some concern.

"I…I, thank you," Severus stammered. He wasn't sure what he was thanking Malfoy for. He was capable of taking care of himself. But moments later, he realized that he wasn't thankful for the prefect protecting him from Avery, but rather for protecting him from himself. Severus bent to pick up his trunk wordlessly.

"Listen," Malfoy finally said when Severus was almost at the entrance of the common room. "I'm not saying what Avery said was wrong. You make a commitment to Slytherin the second you're sorted. And I could see that you belong here. Think about where you've belonged in life, can there be any place better than here? We're not your enemies, Severus." Malfoy paused, as if deciding if he should continue, "Everyone here…we're all exactly alike. Here is where you should put your loyalties. And I hope you're not forgetting the importance of blood in the wizarding world."

Severus was silent.

"I cannot guarantee I'll always be here to protect you like this in the future," Malfoy continued, "When it comes down to it, I say, as a prefect and a _friend_, that if you want to do what's best for you, some…ties which contaminate the rest must be cut." Severus felt Malfoy's grey eyes bore into his back. "I hope you'll make the right decision."

Severus did not react but simply placed his hand on the rock wall which slid open soundlessly. Lily was waiting anxiously in the hallway, her things piled up behind her. "What took you so long?" She asked, but he forced a small smile on his face in place of an explanation and followed her to the classroom where students were queuing at the fireplaces, waiting to go home for Christmas Break.

The caretaker was slouched in a position of boredom, alternatively yawning and holding out the container of floo powder for the students. "I'll go first then," Lily said nervously. She placed a foot in the emerald flames, her hair clashing oddly with the fire. Her trunk came after, resting against her side awkwardly. "Number fifty-two, Marlborough Drive," she said loudly and then, she was gone in a burst of flame.

"Next," the caregiver beckoned, thrusting the pot of floo powder under his nose and making him cough. Severus copied Lily, his own things clutched in his left hand. The students before him blurred away in a whirl of scarves and ties, he was knocking about between grates, watching other families through milliseconds of images. After what seemed to be a short eternity, the fire coughed him onto a worn but new rug he'd tread on once before.

He picked himself up quickly, noticing that the front of his once clean robes was now caked in a layer of ash. They were all there, looking at him, Lily with the same smile as Mr. Evans who held onto the shoulder of a sour looking Petunia. Mrs. Evans busied herself with picking up their bags and avoiding Severus's eyes.

"Should I show you your room now?" Lily didn't wait for an answer, but flounced after her mother. Severus followed, feeling grossly out of place. The feeling intensified when Mrs. Evans rushed past him in the doorway, wearing somewhat of a forced smile.

Lily didn't seem to notice. "My bedroom's just down there, as you know. And you're beside Tuney. The loo's down the other way and my parents are downstairs. Also, Dad said we should wash up for supper soon. We're having potatoes tonight."

"Right," Severus finally found his voice. Though he was looking at the clean white curtains and felt the plush carpet beneath his feet, his mind wandered to the green depths of the Slytherin common room. He allowed Malfoy's words to sink in. He was right, Severus sighed, looking at the paisley wallpaper. He didn't belong in this world, their world. He should never have accepted. He would have been far better off spending the weeks in bed in his cold dormitory, reading or expanding on Spell Theory.

The sound of running water interrupted his train of thought. Lily was washing her hands next door, the bathroom door ajar, the yellow light pouring out into the hall. He watched her, torn. Lily sang while she scrubbed soap under her fingernails. The carol did little to comfort him, in fact, it reminded bitterly of all the dismal Christmases he'd spent in the house just miles from where he stood.

"Shall we go down?" Lily appeared in the hallway again, looking chirpily happy. The long dinner table had only apparently held seats for four people. A stool was added to a plate setting at the end for Severus. Mrs. Evans didn't feign a smile this time, and instead kept her eyes on her cutlery, occasionally offering potatoes to her husband every five minutes.

Mr. Evans continued to rave about his daughter all through dinner, potato bits flying enthusiastically off his fork. "Ah, it's good to have a change of audience," he wiped a tear of laughter after recounting an especially enjoyable tale about their experiences with a mime. "It's wonderful, wonderful to have you here, son." He thumped Severus on the back, looking a little red in the face from a glass of wine too many.

"Would you like us to help you with the dishes?" Lily piped up after everyone's plates were empty. Petunia scowled at her sister.

Mrs. Evans glared at Severus for a brief second. "No thank you, dear. I can manage on my own. You two had better run off to bed. If you need anything, feel free to call," Her green eyes returned to Severus, "I assure you we can hear _everything _upstairs."

They had reached the second floor. Lily's arm twitched toward the doorknob of the guest bedroom.

"Well, g'night then," Severus muttered, cutting through the space where her hand had been reaching and pretended to yawn largely.

Lily's face fell, "It's still early."

"No…I'm feeling a bit tired," Severus lied.

"Are you feeling alright?" Her face immediately displayed her alarm.

"I feel fine, really. It's been a long day."

Lily grumped, "If you must. We've still got many long days ahead of us." Her eyes probed his for an explanation. Severus made his face calm, blank, his eyes smoothly black. "Good night, Sev."

He slid into the room, locking the door quietly behind him. Moonlight spilled onto the bed from the sliver of the window that was open. Cold wind blew the flimsy curtains out in hills. Severus slowly eased the pane shut, then threw himself into the bed, his head throbbing. He stared up at the newly painted ceiling which bore neither the cold of the dungeons nor the unmistakable stains of water damage.

"I hope you'll make the right decision." Lucius Malfoy's voice broke through the peaceful hum of the radiator. Severus pulled himself into a sitting position and cursed. Be true to Slytherin…but the house had what he wanted: power. Malfoy had been right. Slytherin would help him get it. Tobias wouldn't dare lay a hand on him if he knew what things he could do to make him hurt…Severus flinched, horrified at how much he wanted it. He felt helpless to the madness building in a slow crescendo within him, with Lily snoozing quietly a mere two rooms away.

He had to leave. This simple family had stretched to their fullest extent to accommodate him, an outsider who simply could not fit in no matter where he went. But at least he felt somewhat secure in the flickering green light of the Slytherin common room. He had to prove his loyalty. Had it not been obvious from the start that it had all be doomed failure? But the sane part of him had no answer to these relentless questions.

In the morning, Lily would find his bed deserted, no note to explain his disappearance. She would be worried, to be sure, and perhaps upset, but she'd be glad she stayed away from him in the end, Severus thought bitterly, repacking the little he'd unpacked. Dumbledore had been wrong, he had relinquished his mind in the end.

And it was so much better this way, he felt, as his migraine ebbed away and was replaced with an overwhelming sense of fulfillment. His lip curled in mockery of the wizard with his wizened face and piercing eyes.

_Dumbledore hadn't been helping you_, a voice echoed somewhere in his head. _He'd been keeping you from power…from complete…control. _

As Severus Snape stood on the doorstep of Number Fifty-two, Marlborough Drive, the moon threw his face into sharp contrast. A seemingly meek, emaciated boy with a gaunt face stood with his battered trunk at his side, looking up at the house in antipathy. Any passerby would have felt unease under his stare, and indeed late night strollers glanced back at the boy, wondering where he'd come from.

There was something peculiar about the boy's eyes. They were dark but unyielding, defined by a cruel sharpness. His face was relaxed, bored, but at the same time, alert. And had any been close enough to converse with the boy, they would have found his speech detached and unemotional. There would be a man who'd lived many moons peeking from behind the shell of an eleven-year old boy.

But even so, the thought of Lily sleeping peacefully, her red hair fanned out around her, hit Severus harder than any other thought. Momentarily, his eyes were clear and warm, a genuine sad smile playing around his lips. Then, as soon as it'd come, the moment was over and the shadow moving slowly away from the street belonged to someone who had nothing to lose.


End file.
